It's Not All Smiles and Sunshine

23 April 2018


This is something I don’t see many talk about and I really understand why. It’s because people are afraid of how they will come across and probably be labelled ungrateful - that’s how I felt and was made to feel by some.

Having gone through the most heartbreaking event of my life, burying my son, I longed to hold a baby that I could call mine and take care of and when I became pregnant with Little A, I just couldn’t be more happier.

But along with these feelings lay those emotions that you wouldn’t think would go through a pregnant woman’s mind.

G U I L T

Is it too soon? Should I be smiling and laughing? This is the feeling I know every mother during her rainbow pregnancy feels and it hurts. On the one hand, you are so happy to have been blessed with this pregnancy but on the other hand, you think about your angel baby and think to yourselves, how could you do this to them? How could you move on?

And when you think about the life in your womb, the vicious cycle of guilt goes round and round as you begin to feel guilty for feeling guilty.

Outsiders have the misconception that when a bereaved parent goes onto have another child, they have moved on now with their lives and the loss of their child is a thing of the past now.

That’s actually far from the truth. We don’t move on, I know I haven’t. There is always going to be a hole in my heart, I am always going to be endowed with thoughts of what could have been, there’s no escaping this.

W O R R Y

Whatever the circumstances surrounding the loss of a child - it becomes increasingly difficult to actually enjoy subsequent pregnancies. This is because you’ve seen the worst of situations and know what could happen.

I was happy to attend my 12 week scan but then it hit me there and then that there could still be something wrong with my baby but I wouldn’t know yet, I kept this to myself and smiled along with my husband.


Little A’s 20 week scan
Despite having many scans to tell me that Little A was growing perfectly healthily, I still would think to myself - anything can happen, anything could go wrong, if not now then at the birth perhaps.

When I was pregnant with my angel son, I didn’t visit triage, not even once. But this time round, I have lost count.

Not much movement? Too much movement? Wetting myself - waters? Chest pain?I just want to say that I don’t regret visiting triage for the reasons above because when you are pregnant and have any doubts whatsoever, don’t think that it might be nothing and ignore it, pick up that phone and ask for professional advice.

U N G R A T E F U L

Many of the thoughts and feelings I found myself going through would definitely be labelled by some as me being ungrateful.

I didn’t want a boy - this is the first time I’m openly admitting this.

Surely, after everything I’ve been through all I should have cared about is having a healthy baby, no matter what the gender! But it wasn’t like that. I prayed and prayed for a daughter because I just couldn’t comprehend the thought as to whether I’d be able to love another little boy as much as I love my angel son. I am aware that even those parents who have been lucky enough to not lose a child have similar feelings until they go onto having that child but this seems never ending for me.

I still have these thoughts - I can’t ever imagine myself physically mothering a boy. If my angel son had been a girl then it would have been the other way round and I would have prayed for a son.

But it didn’t stop here..

When you’re having a baby, one of the most exciting moments are shopping for your little one, buying those big ticket items as well as those super cute little outfits. This was yet another conflict brewing inside of me.

We had a suitcase full of clothes that belonged to my son which he didn’t get to wear as well as his play gym. But I just couldn’t handle the thought of another baby in them, even if that baby was mine. Finally, finding the courage, I openly spoke to the husband about this but we didn’t see eye to eye.

I mentioned this to a ‘friend’ (note quotation marks) and was immediately shot down and given a lecture on how we should be grateful for what we have.. blah blah blah...

And it goes on.

No one should be judged at any stage of their lives, no one should have to justify the way they feel but unfortunately it is has become necessary to explain ourselves.

My whole purpose for writing this was to not only tell those parents that you are not alone in feeling the way you do, I do too and it’s normal. But to also highlight to others around them that just spare a thought for the bereaved pregnant woman sat beside you, she may be smiling but that doesn’t mean she’s not hurting.

Maybe be a listener for once and let her talk?


Our pregnancy announcement  September 2016




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Thank you for reading.
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The Ultimate Bedtime Book!

16 April 2018


I’m kind of wanting to jump with excitement right now but I can’t otherwise this post would be impossible to write. I didn’t think that the first book review on my blog which I would end up doing would be a children’s book but I’ve literally been buzzing to share this with you all.

Back in October 2017, my lovely friends had come to see Little A and brought along some goodies for her and one of them was a book called Touch The Brightest Star by Christie Matheson.


I had been searching for the perfect bedtime book and instantly just by looking at the front cover, I knew it was the one. 

Believe it or not, since October 22nd 2017, we have read this book to Little A at bedtime without fail. Yes, she has other books which we read to her at that time but we always end our bedtime routine with this special one. 

If we’re going away from home, I make sure I have packed this with the rest of her essentials.

Why is it so special?

Christie Matheson has worked wonders through this book - it begins with telling the child that the day is coming to an end and features the magical night but not without leaving the anticipation for the next day.


It sets the scene and mood which is just perfect for bedtime when you’re trying to create a calm atmosphere and winding down (because we all know how important that is!). You must be wondering, what difference does this make as back then Little A must not have understood of course, just a baby.

Well, this one book has helped with her development so much. I’ll give you an example, the instruction ‘press the fire fly..’ without fail I’d start acting it out, showing her that I’m pressing it as well as the other instructions too ‘touch the brightest star you see...’ etc 

Babies soak everything in and this is what Little A was doing, observing, and now it’s been around three months or so I don’t have to show her, I just read the sentence and she does exactly what it says. 

Just imagine my reaction when she did that for the first time! I literally told everyone for weeks and well... still do! 

This is the most perfect book you can read to your child before putting them to bed and it’s not one of them books that children will grow out of or ever get bored of.


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Have you read this to your little ones? What is your favourite bedtime book? I’d love for some suggestions to explore!


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#DreamTeam Linky Party 101

9 April 2018

A great big warm welcome to you all to the 101st #DreamTeam Linky party. I have always been a big fan of the #DreamTeam and feel honoured to be guest hosting alongside Annette (3littlebuttons) and Heather (Shank You Very Much) this week.

Thanks to the #DreamTeam, we are able to come across and read a variety of blogs. I know that for myself if I hadn't joined linky parties such as the #DreamTeam then I probably would not be able to read as many blogs as I'd like too!

For this week, I am including a very personal post of mine Birth and Beyond: How I Really Feel - it's not just a birth story but is how I exactly feel about it even now, it's a post that at the time I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing and sharing but the blogging world is so supportive, my doubts diminished and now I look forward to hearing or rather reading your thoughts too - thank you in advance lovely people!

I look forward to reading your posts.

#DREAMTEAM LINKY RULES


Add one post to the #DreamTeam linky, which goes live every Tuesday morning at 6am and will close on Thursday at 9pm.

Add the #DreamTeam linky badge or a text link to the bottom of your linked up post. If you are adding this to a side/bottom bar or linky page, please do ensure this is clear to avoid being missed out of commenting.

Share your post on twitter with the linky hashtag #DreamTeam. Tag in your hosts for retweets @3_LittleButtons, @HeatherKeet and @themumaffairs

Please comment on each of the hosts linked posts PLUS the post directly before your own (a total of 4 posts as a minimum). If the post before your own does not carry the #DreamTeam badge or text link, you are not required to leave a comment.

Optional. Get into the party spirit and tweet/add comments to any additional posts you have really enjoyed. Other bloggers are more likely to return the favour if you do!

It’s a #winwin all round. As hosts, we will aim to retweet your posts again as we read them, as long as you have included your twitter handle in your sharing buttons.


*By linking up, you agree to your link being visible and accessible via the list of linked blog posts included below, to us sharing your posts on social media (tagging you as relevant), and to us sharing your post on our sites if chosen as a favourite.
3 Little Buttons

March Favourites

6 April 2018



I'll begin with what you have probably heard and read many times already,'how is it April already?!'. Time really is flying by and compared to previous months, I have done quite a bit of reading in the month of March. I came across so many amazing blogs that I honestly have had a difficult time playing by the rule I set myself of only shortlisting 10 posts. But then I reminded myself, it's my blog so I can do what I want!

So I haven't shortlisted 10 as I normally do, there are 13 instead! So without further ado, lets get started.

In no particular order...

Credit: Mum Muddling Through

Having recently joined the linky party at #coolmumclub, I came across this quite thought provoking post by Mum Muddling Through. She talks about the plight of the First Time Mum and how it’s really like to step into motherhood. I really admired this post because of its honesty as whenever someone has a baby, people instantly think that it’s all happiness and laughter from then on when that’s not true. Have a read of what goes on in the mind of a First Time Mum.

Credit: Nabani Tadhar

Being a Mother to a daughter, I was instantly attracted to the title of this post and it turned out to be a fantastic read. Nabani writes a letter to her daughter of how she plans to nurture her and why being a girl is such a great thing, I think this is a must read for everyone, even if you don’t have a little girl of your own.

The Mother Next Door by Mummy Wales
Credit: Mummy Wales

Now this is a post which really took my breath away. As mothers, whenever we venture out and come across another, it’s no lie that we instantly think about her and how her life is probably like compared to our own. Or we may have a friend who always appears happy and content with her life, but that might not always be the case. Mummy Wales writes this post portraying every mother quite exceptionally making you think that it’s not always how it seems.

Credit: Five in the Hive
This post really resonated with me purely because of my own experience of a heart baby. I really admired Five in the Hive’s answer to questions like ‘how do you cope?’ I think whoever is asked this question, should direct people towards this post as there can be no better answer.


Time really does fly, doesn’t it?! Chloe writes about how times were different when she was a child to now that she has her own child as well as how perceptions have changed throughout the years regarding various subjects. This post really makes you think how times have changed, some for the better and some unfortunately for the worst - what we may know as normal right now might not be in a couple of years time.

 Because Of Him by The Life of a Glasgow Girl
Credit: The Life of a Glasgow Girl

Who says you can’t make progress or you lose yourself when you have a baby? Many people have these assumptions and pass comments on how children perhaps become an obstacle in your way to your own success. Jordanne beautifully responds to these comments - it really depends on you and how you turn a certain situation to your own favour, children, I believe are the way to your success but it depends on if you want it to be!


Credit: Little Hearts Big Love

When you become pregnant, one thing that you just cannot wait for are the scans - so you can finally be able to see your baby wriggling away. Unfortunately, for some, that excitement is short lived and has forever an impact on future pregnancies, no matter how many years apart. Louise shares her experience of scans and why she is unable to get excited.

Credit: 3 Little Buttons

I was having a down day about my blog but as soon as I read this post, I was instantly feeling better. We’re always in the race to perfection, comparing ourselves to the next person that sometimes it becomes overwhelming. Annette shares wonderful quotes that will immediately make you feel better.
Credit: Letters to my Daughter


March marked International Women’s Day and Alice wrote a wonderful post talking about what are the 30 best things about being a woman in 2018. This isn’t your typical list of things, there’s a twist to it, which to be fair I wasn’t expecting the post to go that way but I’m so glad that it did.


Credit: Jade Marie


There was great amount of coverage for the Winter Olympics last month, all over the news, on literally everyone’s feeds but when it came to the Paralympics there was hardly when compared. Unfortunately, it’s always been like this and Jade highlights why the Paralympics are of great importance. Personally,
I’ve always been more interested to watch the Paralympics more than the Olympics as I find them more motivational. What about you?

Credit: Jess in Wonderland

Being a fairly new blogger, I find such posts on reflections of being a blogger and running a blog by someone else an interesting read. Jess highlights what it is really like running a blog and I believe anyone who is considering starting a blog or someone who has doubts about bloggers should be giving this a read a for sure! It’s not always as it seems.



Well, you must have noticed that Lucy features regularly on my favourites and that's because she never fails to amaze me. I wanted to give her a standing ovation when I finished reading this post. She covers a topic which is rarely spoken of, those who you may think have no reason to be sad and depressed can suffer from mental health issues too and when this is shown to the world they are labelled selfish because they 'don't have a reason' to be sad. Well, Lucy quite bravely shares her personal experience to raise awareness.



Credit: The Mummy Bubble

The Mummy Bubble hits a very important issue and that’s the dreaded feeling of loneliness, as a parent. People just don’t expect to hear a Mum call themselves lonely because how is that even possible when you are never alone? Without giving further away, The Mummy Bubble describes the reality of loneliness and gives tips on how you can help yourselves.



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Don't forget to read these wonderful posts!
What have been your favourites in March?
Share with everyone below!

How Motherhood Has Changed Me

2 April 2018


I never really thought I could ever change, especially for anyone else other than me. I was that person who always use to chant ‘I’d never change myself for anyone’ or ‘I am who I am’ but little did I know what Motherhood had in store for me.

I actually entered Motherhood in 2015, although some people have the nerve to disagree but that’s just their insensitive opinion. I first found myself changing when my son entered our lives briefly that year. I became more appreciative of life, stopped taking things for granted and began to cherish my relationships around me even more because if it was one thing that particular year had taught me was that life is really unpredictable, you can never guess what’s going to happen in perhaps the next five minutes or so.

Despite having empty arms, I had all those maternal feelings that every mother has, since the day I found out about him. Come 2017, I was given the blessing of now physically being able to hold and take care of my child and what a journey it’s truly been this last year and a bit.

I have transformed into a completely different person, I haven’t lost myself, I still am that same person but the changes are remarkable and something I’m actually happy about.



PATIENCE


I am more patient than ever, I think this is something that every parent can relate to. I’m not going to lie, I have my moments where I do sit and wonder for a second why?! But am able to quickly remind myself that the little human in front of me is helpless, doesn’t understand and completely relies on me.

You really do have to befriend patience when you become a parent as without it, you will be completely lost.

However, before Motherhood, I was hardly patient with anyone, I wouldn’t think of reasons like I do now to keep me going, I’d wonder why and just give up already.



ROUTINE


Although, I was nearly always an early riser, there were days when I’d just lay in bed for as long as possible. And if I did get out of bed, I’d have my breakfast, cook if need be, binge watch some box sets and not worry about the dirty dishes- I’d say I’ll do them with the lunch dishes.

Oh how things have changed now!

I now don’t sleep past 6am and find myself looking for the first opportunity to tackle the dishes and as soon as Little A is down for her first nap, it means clean, clean, clean and prepare tonight’s dinner already because I don’t know what kind of mood she will be in when she wakes up. She may decide to embrace clingyness and plomp me onto the floor for a good amount of the day so it’s always best to get the chores out of the way.

This has done me so much good despite the lack of sleep. I am so much more productive, by the time she wakes up (on a good day might have a nearly 2 hour nap) everything is done and we can venture out and I don’t have to think about ‘ooh I need to do this and that when we get home,’.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have days when I honestly just cannot be bothered to do anything and I’ll plant myself on the sofa, in front of the TV for the entire time she’s napping, I am human after all! 



MOTIVATION


Whatever the circumstances, I have found myself now always motivated. If there is a goal to meet and I am feeling lazy or think I can't do this - I just look at Little A and am instantly motivated to strive for the better. I now see her as my bridge to success.


EXERCISE 


Who needs the gym when you have a baby?! Even if I am at home, I am constantly on the move, whether that’s pretending to be a baby myself and crawling with Little A (she gets so excited!) or running after her to stop her from hugging danger and sprinting to the other room to grab something so quickly for Little A to not notice and start screaming.

I now absolutely love going on walks, I didn’t before. Seeing Little A’s expressions and happiness whenever we are out as she catches a glimpse of something interesting (which is basically everything nowadays) encourages me even more to make an effort, if not for myself but for her and breathe in the fresh air.


SOCIAL


I am more social than before, I am not shy anymore. I overcame shyness at University but having a baby it’s really been different. I guess having the little one with you gives you a topic to talk about and not have to adhere to awkward silences.

I attend baby groups (I wish we did this more often though now) and although some groups do meet the stereotype of a typical baby group where mums have already formed groups and don’t let anyone new into their ‘exclusive club’. I have come across wonderful women who I have lovely time chatting too.



If I see a person with a little one out and about, I make sure I give them a smile and this often ends up with us strangers springing up a conversation which lasts a surprising amount of time. Before, I wouldn’t dare talk to a stranger no matter how friendly they’d seem!

We often hear about the slightly negatives of parenthood (mainly lack of sleep) and I myself have touched on these topics many times but I just wanted to put it out there, that there are always two sides to a story, this isn’t just related to being parents but anything that you stumble across in your life which you may not be able to figure out.

I don’t claim to be a know-it-all in the world of parenting because I’m really not, as everyday I am learning, but I really do feel that when need be, you do and can change for the better and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

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Have you experienced any changes for the better in recent years?

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