Our Journey Part Three: Hello Goodbye

15 October 2018

Credit: Pixabay



Snug in my leopard print woolly pyjamas, I could see Doctors gathered around my precious baby. 

‘4lb 4oz’ 

I hear someone say, ‘that’s a good weight at just 32 weeks, we’ll be okay’ I think to myself.

Then all of a suddenly I find myself on the floor in the corner of the room watching them all put my little boy in an incubator and whisk him away.

I woke up with a start on Wednesday 7th October 2015 - I had just dreamt about giving birth at 32 weeks to my son. It was one of those dreams that just felt ever so real. I shook my head dismissing it as I was confident I wasn’t going to have him anytime soon, I was due in December and it was only just October, not possible at all.

I carried on with my everyday normal activities, it was a special day for celebrations, not only was it my brother’s birthday but in fact I had received my certificate for my Masters in Law degree - I couldn’t have been more happier.

Come Friday, I decided that I wanted to stay the night at my parents - I don’t know why but I just had this urge and so I did. I remember watching Watchdog with my dad that night which was all about the safety standards of baby car seats and so I sat there thinking when it would be appropriate to go and buy those big ticket items for my little one.

That night I went to sleep by my mum’s side, I just wanted to be a little girl again, without a worry in the world but in the safe haven of her own parents.

Several times during the night I woke up to go to the toilet as you do when you are heavily pregnant but around 4:30am, I got up and it felt as if though I had wet myself but the sensation was different. 

To my horror, it was my waters and my mucus plug had also come away. This could not be happening. I was only 32 weeks pregnant. It was only October.

I woke my parents up and called the maternity unit who said that I had to come in straightaway. 

Off I went to the hospital with my husband and sister in law in tow, not really knowing what to expect. 

Upon reaching, I had all the usual checks done which confirmed that indeed my waters had broken. I was given the first set of steroids injection to help open up my baby’s lungs as he was going to be premature.

Then the waiting game began.

During the day, I had several baby doctors come to me to see how I was doing and whether I was fully aware of my baby’s condition repeating the fact that now that he’s going to be born prematurely it will make things quite difficult for him after birth.

Despite all the warnings, I decided to keep myself positive. Around 5pm on 9th October - the contractions finally started to kick in as I was shifted to a ward with other pregnant ladies. 

As the hours went by the contractions increased in their intensity. I was given the second set of steroids and had an internal to see how much I was dilated - zilch! Not even in active labour. I heard the doctor talking to the midwife on duty that normally they’d send women home in my situation but obviously they can’t send me home. 

My Mum came along and I asked for another internal after a few more hours as I was pretty sure I’d be dilated considering how intense and horrifying the pain was getting - still nothing.

‘Take some painkillers’ the Doctor suggested, ‘the baby is not coming tonight, you need to rest so you can push in the morning’ 

‘My Baby is coming tonight,’ I told her, I just had that feeling.

‘No he is not, you’re not even 1cm. It’s impossible.’ She rolled her eyes at me and walked away.

I told my mum to go home and rest and come back in the morning whilst my sister in law and husband stayed with me.

It had not even been 15 minutes since my mum had left and all of a suddenly I felt the urge to push - I didn’t think this was possible as I wasn’t even dilated. 

My sister in law called out for the midwife who came running and the look on her face when she pulled the sheets up said it all. She could see my baby’s head. I was fully dilated. She rang the alarm bell and a sea of midwives ran towards me, some telling me to breathe and not to push yet, others frantically calling the delivery suite to see if there was a room available and some preparing sheets in case I had to end up giving birth right here on the labour ward amongst all these strangers.

‘Call Mum back,’ I ordered my sister in law as when you’re in pain or going through some thing so life changing all you want is your mummy no matter how old you are.

Finally, the delivery suite gave the midwives a green light and I was now being wheeled to the delivery suite, it really felt like a scene out of a movie. My Mum met me in the delivery room and I can’t remember how long later and he was out as everything just happened so quickly.

He didn’t cry, just made a cackling sound. They placed him on me and for a moment I completely forgot that we had only just stepped into the danger zone. The cord was cut and they took him to the other side of the room to do the checks, I could see the doctors shaking their heads at each other and then it hit me.

‘4lb 4oz’ 

One of the doctor weighing him said.

That’s a good weight, I thought to myself.

One of them came up to me and explained that his oxygen levels are not satisfactory enough and it’s best we should just hold him and spend time with him, however much time he had left.

‘If I feed him will that make him better?’ I naively asked to which the doctor shook his head. ‘Please do something, please save him, I beg you’ I begged them through tears. 

The following decision was the most the difficult decision I have ever had to make in my life. All I wanted to do was just hold my little baby, cuddle him and just not let go but another part of me kept screaming ‘what if?’ What if they did try to help him and were successful?

The decision was made.

They got the incubator ready to shift him to the neonatal intensive care unit and gave him to me to hold. As I took hold of him, he opened his eyes and looked up at me. He really was the spitting image of his Daddy. 

We kissed and cuddled him and with a great big heavy heart handed him over to the doctors and I watched them place him in the incubator and whisk him away from me. My husband and brother went along with them whilst my mum and sister in law stayed with me as I needed stitches.

I finally made my way to the neonatal unit but by that time, he had gone. I took him into my arms and held him ever so tight wondering why did it have to be this way - I looked down at my clothes, I was wearing the same leopard PJs I was wearing in the dream. 

We all wish to achieve our dreams, for them to come true. However, that was one of those dreams that I never wanted to come true but it did. 

*~*~*

Aahil was born on Saturday 10th October 2015 at 00:58am weighing 4lb 4oz and lived for a total of an hour and ten minutes.

I have written a letter to him this year which is up on the blog now.

Tonight is Wave of Light at 7pm - please do light a candle and let it burn for an hour in remembrance of all those precious babies gone too soon.


Thank you for joining me on this journey which began in April this year, I really appreciate your love and support.

With Love, Mummy - A Letter to my Angel

8 October 2018



Never did I ever think that I’d be writing a letter to someone living in heart. But here I am.

I cannot believe it has actually been three years since the last time I got to hold you, I remember those exact moments when you were born, when you opened your eyes in my arms proving all the doctors wrong that had said you wouldn’t even survive childbirth.

October 10th will always be a bittersweet day for me, it’s when you made me a mother for the very first time but left a great big unfixable hole in my heart. 

How I wish everyday that you could have stayed. We would have created so many wonderful memories together, your first taste of solids, your first trip to the park, your first steps.. these are just a few of those things that I can only imagine how they would have been and have nothing physical to cherish.

Despite bearing the unfortunate news of your poorly little heart throughout my pregnancy with you, I can still say that I really enjoyed my time with you. The bond that we created in just 32 weeks is something that I can proudly smile upon, I never really knew that it was possible to love someone so much who you’d never actually met until you entered our lives for the very first time on Good Friday. 

You became my strength from the very first moment I knew you were cooking away inside of me. I remember being in the middle of my masters at university and everyone worrying about how I was going to manage but I always knew that you were going to be my motivation and you really were.

You kept me company on those late quiet nights as I typed away for my dissertation, in fact I believe you were a great helping hand on me finishing it on time. I never wanted to get side tracked and for people to say that I lost my concentration because of you and you made sure I didn’t!

I didn’t want to attend my graduation ceremony which was just a month after you grew your angel wings. It was one of the difficult moments seeing everyone else in their element having the time of their lives and all I could think of was how this day would have been so different if you were here with me. But you know what? When I walked across that stage, that smile on my face was genuine and that was because of you - I reminded myself that you must be watching over me. I hope you were  proud of me!

Thank you for sending down your little sister to take care of me - I cannot wait until she’s old enough to understand so I can talk to her about you. I know you are up there probably having a laugh whenever she sends me running round in circles and smiling away at her cheekiness. Whenever I look at her, I always wonder how you’re personality would have developed, how you would have been.. 

Although you were indeed an unexpected surprise for us, I am so very glad that I became pregnant with you at that time because it really was meant to be that way.

I am glad I got to hold you in my arms even if it was for less than a minute or so. I just want to let you know that I never wanted to let you go, I never wanted them to take you away, it was the most difficult decision that I ever had to make.

The Doctors were convinced you were not meant for this Earth but I didn’t want them to give up on you so easily. I didn’t want to be selfish and keep you with me and for them not to try and save you.

Just know that it was a very hard decision for your mummy.

But I am so very proud of you - you proved everyone wrong, when the Consultant told me at our meeting afterwards that you lived for an hour and ten minutes, I couldn’t have been more proud.

You proved them all wrong, you really did, you will always be my little fighter. I am happy that it was you who made me a mother, I am proud to call you my son. 

Happy 3rd Birthday, Aahil, my little prince. Hope you’re having a fabulous party up there and don’t forget to save me a slice of your cake for when I get to hold you again.

Lots of Love,
Mummy 

xxx

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

5 October 2018

Credit: Google


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 1 in 4 women have to face the tragedy of losing their child whether that’s to a miscarriage, still birth or infant loss.

Unfortunately, despite it being the 21st century, many bereaved parents find themselves incredibly alone and isolated at a time when they require the most support from those around them. 

It is hard to believe but true that bereaved parents become the victims of judgement and assumptions - it is purely because of this that we find ourselves hiding from the rest of the world and locking our feelings away, how is that healthy?

Why has it become so difficult to talk about this? Why do we need a month to help recognise our forever bleeding wounds? What I personally experienced after losing my son I know many parents every single day have to heartbreakingly go through and it really shouldn’t be that way.

Despite having a good support network around me, I had never ever felt so alone in my life. All I ever wanted was acknowledgement which I have got eventually but it was needed at that time. I honestly don’t blame anyone because sadly this is something that everyone tries to avoid to talk about to each other, it’s something that is just avoided at all costs until you come face to face with it yourselves and you are left with no choice at all. 

But the truth is.. 

We are still parents, we still deserve that recognition, we should be able to talk about our Angels as much as we want without the fear of being judged - is it too much to ask?

Why not help break the silence? 

Maybe just for once say nothing at all just be a listening ear? Many people end up saying the wrong thing to bereaved parents thinking that they are actually helping. Perhaps just a ‘I’m here for you’ can make a world of a difference.

Even though I am 1 in 4 - I am certainly not just a statistic or a number I am in fact a human being with a forever broken heart. 

October 9th to 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Week with a global Wave of Light at 7pm on 15th October - all you have to do is light a candle in honour of all those precious babies gone too soon and share it with everyone to show your support.

Let’s help break the silence once and for all! 

September Favourites

1 October 2018

This year is seemingly flying away like a concord jet - I really cannot believe we are finally in Autumn! And I am so very glad! Here are some of my favourite reads of September, I hope you take the time out to give them a read and enjoy them as much as I did!

My Blogging Journey (And Where I Hope to Go From Here) by Jenny in Neverland

One of the most inspirational posts that I came across in September. The lovely Jenny’s blogging journey. She writes about how she began and how far she’s come - posts like these not only inspire me but also show that if you do what you love, if you pursue your passions - things can work out for the best.


Nancy has written about how important it is to take time out for our own selves and how valuable it is how and what we choose to do with that time. Personally, I find myself guilty for not practising self care like I said that I would but it’s posts like these that do help me to think about what I’m actually doing and how I should improve.


Such a thought provoking post by the lovely Jess. Motherhood admittedly can be a time of great joy but at the same time lonely too and many are afraid to admit this with the fear of being judged. Jess shares her own experience and also valuable tips for mums to help them.


Blogging is becoming a full fledged career with many lovely bloggers pursuing it full time. Jade writes an incredibly honest post about her journey and how she feels about her work and herself as a writer. There’s a lot of emphasis in the blogging world of what ‘blogger’ does and the ‘importance’ of socialising and attending events but is that really a necessity?


I just love posts on how to decorate your home just to get ideas on how to shape my own home. Louise has written and shared some fabulous trends that will make your home oh so cosy this Autumn.

*~*~*

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