What You Can Do To Help

14 October 2019

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Last week I wrote about the things you shouldn’t say or do when a loved one’s child has passed away. This week I wanted to talk about the opposite and highlight the things you should say or do to help that loved one. 

Acknowledgment 

Show some acknowledgement, if you have been informed of this terrible tragedy, take a step towards that person and acknowledge what has happened, ignoring won’t do anyone any good. 

Be there for them

Be by their side and show them that you care and are hurting for them too. Let them know that if they need anything you are there for them. If you physically cannot be with then a simple telephone call and message to show your support will be enough.

Listen

One of the most simplest things that you can do but often becomes the most difficult. Whether you’re sat next to each other or are at the other end of the telephone, just listen. Listen to whatever they have to say. It can go a long way for the bereaved parent.

Keep checking in

As time passes by, don’t forget that your loved one is still in pain. The pain and heartbreak of losing a child does not ease as the time goes by so make sure you keep checking in to see how they are. A simple ‘how are you’ can be enough.

Set a reminder 

Set a reminder on your phone of significant dates. This may be a due date or the actual angelversary/birthday of the child and when the time comes show your support, let them know that you haven’t forgotten.

Keepsakes

Perhaps look into getting a keepsake for your loved one might be helpful.

Ask them the child’s name

This really does go a long way and goes in line with acknowledgement.

These are just a few tips that I came up with that helped me or would’ve helped me. Everyone’s circumstances are different and we all grieve in different ways so you have to be the better judge and decide what would be helpful for your loved one.

*~*~*

Do you have anything to share? Please do in the comments below, it would be so helpful. 

Four Years

11 October 2019


How has it been four years without you? When it only feels like a mere few seconds ago I had held you in my arms, never wanting to let go.

People assume that as time goes by, we eventually get over our grief but that’s not true. I have found myself longing for you even more - I wonder how life would have been and especially how you would’ve taken care of your little sister, her big protective her. 

But then again, I know you are still taking care of her and watching over her from above and that gives me satisfaction knowing that you are with us even though not physically.

*~*~*

It’s been four years without our son and this year I have found it exceptionally hard, perhaps more than previous years, grief is a funny thing, really. For many days you may go on with your life and then all of a suddenly it hits you right smack in the face. 

Sometimes I find myself not knowing how to feel, I’m quite cautious of Aahil’s little sister and try to avoid any tears in front of her but then you’re keeping it all to yourself and you let it out all in one go whenever possible.

Perhaps it’s also that his birthday is right bang in the middle of Baby Loss Awareness Week when everyone is talking about child loss.

But that’s the thing, we’re all talking about it now. Perhaps a little more later but when October finishes - where do we go on from there? Wait until next year again? Why do we have to confine ourselves to certain dates, don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge supporter of Baby Loss Awareness Month but I do wish more could be done.

So today I make a promise to myself, to you and to my baby boy in the sky - I will do more. 

I will make more effort to talk to others about their little angels, I will ask them their names, their stories because when my son left all I ever wanted was to people to ask me his name, to talk to me about him and four years on, I’m still longing for this.

What Not to Say to a Bereaved Parent

7 October 2019



Never did I think I would be writing a post like this but needs must. Having lost my son four years ago I came to realise that people around you don’t really know how to react and I guess in a way that’s understandable. 

It’s understandable because this is a subject that no one really wants to talk about with the fear of saying something wrong but sometimes it is just ignorance or perhaps the person sat next to you thinks they are saying something to help but in actual fact it has the total opposite effect.

I’ve compiled together a few things that you should not do to or say to a Bereaved Parent or I guess anyone who is going through the loss of a loved one.

Everything happens for a reason.

To an extent I do believe in certain circumstances that everything happens for a reason but saying that to someone who has lost a child is like as if though you are justifying it when in actual fact there is nothing that can justify having to bury your baby.

Give it time

We’ve heard too many times that ‘time heals all wounds’ but unless you’re going through it yourself you know that’s not true. I’m four years into my journey without my son but my heart is still broken just like that day when I held him for the last time in my arms. Time does not heal wounds at all you just have to unfortunately learn to live with it.

At least you’re not going to spend a lifetime in the hospital.

What someone said to me when I told them about my son’s heart condition. Do I need to even elaborate on this?

You’ll have another one or you have other kids.

Such a common and typical thing to say, yes if the bereaved goes on to have another child or already has children, that child will be their own individual, that child cannot replace the one who died and you know what? It doesn’t make things any better because you go through a pregnancy of uncertainty and then when you see your children playing, you always think of what could have been, of how there should have been another little one jumping around with his or hers siblings.

DO NOT ignore that a someone lost a child be it at any stage of a pregnancy.

Losing my son, I was shown who my real and true friends are. There were people who were instantly by my side and if they physically couldn’t be they’d keep in touch to see how I was doing or if I needed anything. But then there were two who completely ignored the fact that my son existed or that he had died. To put things in context, you’re in a group chat and all your friends are sending you messages of condolences but then there’s two who are just having their own conversation amongst it all without even acknowledging what has happened to you?

Need I say more?

Is there anything you would like to add to the list of things you shouldn’t do or say? Please comment below as you will be helping so many.

Next week I will be posting the opposite and sharing on what you can do to help!

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